NEW BEGINNINGS -- The Wild and Crazy Ride
Life is the greatest journey. There isn't a doubt in my mind that it is a wild ride. How can it not be? I mean, the world is continuously changing and the people are forever altering themselves. Everyone is trying to figure out who they are and where they belong. Life moves fast. But it also moves slow. There is so much on this earth that we do not know, that we will probably never know. I know we will never see the world from the perspectives of others. It is what makes it equal parts exhilarating and terrifying.
The unknowns of the world are the things to look forward too, but they are what we are most scared of. It's like looking into a dark alley in the middle of the night, not knowing what is at the other end. There could be a pot of gold hiding in that alley, or a hole to hell ready to swallow you up. You know what it's like writing a extremely difficult test and waiting for the results. Or getting a new tattoo and wondering if one day you'll regret it. Applying to new schools or a new job, waiting and waiting to get that email or letter in the mail. It's like wondering if that boy likes you, or are you ever going to fall in love. Not knowing is excruciating. It is hard being patient. There are so many unknowns in the world; so many mysteries. Always wondering what the outcomes will be. And yeah, some outcomes really suck! They are definitely not always the ones we are looking for. That is part of the journey. Failure happens! But the downs are what makes the highs so good. I know it hurts when the boy doesn't fall for you, but hey, it's freaking awesome getting into school.
Right now, I am on the endless journey of self discovery. Just like so many people out in the world, we are looking for answers on who we are and who we want to become. We are always changing. Always looking for a new path to make us stronger and feel better. Right now, I can honestly say that I have no idea who the hell I am. And I am scared. I am shaking in my socks, hiding behind blankets kind of terrified. A lot of nights I can't sleep. I never seem to be in control of my emotions. I am just in a constant state of a pounding heartbeat and a knife twisting into my stomach.
I really want to let you in on a secret though... I am excited to be scared. I like the adrenaline. I was a competitive athlete for years, and that rush of endorphins from accomplishing something that scared the living daylights out of me is highly addictive. To add tot he adrenaline rush, being scared means that I am alive. It is emotion. It means that I am not numb, that I can feel things. There is something on this earth that my body and soul are reaching for and I am craving... I just don't quite know what that is. That not-knowing is what is scary. But guess what? It is worth it! I know I'll appreciate whatever that outcome ends up being.
It is time for my New Beginning. It's time for my new story. For the last while of my life, I have been in limbo. I was in a grey area. I floated through my days, doing tasks that made me think I was important or feeling loved. I was doing what people expected of me. Always thinking that maybe one day I will wake up and feel complete, that the feeling of something not right would go away. Always imagining when the colour would come back to the world.
I almost had myself convinced that I was going to live my life like that.
And then one day I woke up.
I remembered something.
I remembered that I was alive. I was breathing. I was laughing. I belonged somewhere. I didn't feel like I had to try. I wasn't trying to please anyone. I didn't have to explain my existence. I didn't realize until that moment how long it had been since I was just me. I was just me, myself, and I... and I really missed that. And in being myself, I found friends.
Friends can be a powerful tool when you are feeling lost. They are there to talk to you. Reason with you. When you can call them in the middle of the night saying, "I may have just made a huge mistake," and they sit and calm you down, means you are you have great friends. When you call them in the middle of the night, solely to say, "It's 3am and I just wanted to sing you a song!" And they just laugh and say, "you're an idiot." That means you have the best of friends.
While I was in limbo, I distanced myself from everyone. I felt like I couldn't talk to my old friends -- which was so stupid, I don't understand why I thought that. For a long time I couldn't make any new friends, even if I really tried. I really didn't have the confidence to.
Since the floodgates opened, my world turned back to the rainbow of colour it was supposed to be. And I really don't want to look back. I found this amazingly great group of new friends, and I reconnected with my old ones. Finally breaking down and telling them everything I was feeling was such an insane relief. Needing them to help me, and respecting them fully, knowing they had my back. It feels so good to have them back and feel strong with that. I have my army. We support each other. We are not alone.
I have a long road ahead until I can be fully happy with myself and understanding who I am. But knowing that no matter what the terrifying journey to an unknown outcome will be, I have the friends that will still be there and love me either way. That is something I need. Nobody can go through life alone. Like is a team journey.