Mistakes & Acceptance | I'm Sorry
Mistakes are pains in the ass. No one likes making them. They sometimes hurt ourselves, they sometimes hurt others, or they can create a lot of negative repercussions that seem impossible to mend.
Up until a few years ago, I never acknowledged many of my own personal mistakes. I was too caught up in skating and my will to be my best. My mistakes were the ones I made on the ice: not thinking through my technique, not skating a good enough program, not listening to my coach about what I should be doing, and so much more. I was constantly fighting my mistakes that I made on the ice and was too busy to think about anything else.
One thing I learned through skating that I didn’t apply to my own life for a while was to learn from my mistakes. I learned through falling and failing where I had to think the most… how much speed I could control into my jumps, what muscles had to activate the most, where I had to keep my head focused, and how I could make a mistake and get my head back in the game so I wouldn’t make another. Because of the ample mistakes that I made, I became the best skater that I could be.
Now why is applying that to my real life so hard?
“Any action is better than no action, especially if you have been stuck in an unhappy situation for a long time. If it is a mistake, at least you learn something, in which case it is no longer a mistake. If you remain stuck, you learn nothing.” - Eckhart Tolle
I was stuck. I was stuck living in the past and hating myself because I was changing. My entire life was focused on training for the next competition, making my body as strong as it could be, dedicating myself to a life of sport. When I didn’t want the training part anymore, I put everything behind me and turned away. But then my life began changing, my body began changing, and ultimately my attitude began changing. Then I was stuck hating myself. Hating my body, hating my attitude, and disgusted in myself for lacking the motivation to move out of it. It was an endless cycle of hate that I couldn’t break free of.
In the last six months, that changed. I freed myself from the cycle. I found a small sliver of myself that I loved, and I clung to that with everything I had. Each day I pulled harder. It was like a magician hanky, starting with one and ended up with a pile. I soon became someone that I could eventually be proud of. I was motivated. I was smiling. I was caught up in a whirlwind of activity that revived the sleeping side of me.
The whirlwind calmed down. The storm passed. The realization of what I was doing was settling down on me. Mistakes. So many mistakes. I hurt so many people along the way. The guilt filled me.
I kept creating excuses. Creating stories that gave me validation for my actions. My mistake was letting it go so long. My mistake was lying to myself and letting darkness take over me. My mistake was not trusting the people who loved me.
Funny thing about lying though, the truth always finds a way to get out.
“Acceptance looks like a passive state, but in reality it brings something entirely new into this world. That peace, a subtle energy vibration, is consciousness.” - Eckhart Tolle
My truth came out in a form of acceptance. I made mistakes to learn who I was and who I truly wanted to be. I discovered activities that made me feel free and accomplished.
My mistakes were based selfishly. I was thinking of myself. I put no faith in the people who loved me and instead turned the blame on them. I thought the only way for me to be free was to change my life entirely. I thought I needed to erase everything. Start fresh. Hit the restart button on my life.
I was wrong. Thats what I’ve learnt. I accept I needed a change in my life. I accept a lot of my actions. Though, I regret hurting the people I loved most. I know now that I didn’t have to hurt them. They weren’t the issue. I was. I didn’t give them a chance to love the new me. I was too scared of them hurting me, that I hurt them first. I thought that was how I was protecting myself, but of course, that was a mistake.
“There is a fine balance between honouring the past and losing yourself in it. For example, you can acknowledge and learn from mistakes you made, and then move on and refocus on the now. It is called forgiving yourself.” - Eckhart Tolle.
I was lost in my past life. I found a way to reevaluate who I am, and I ran for that light. I found a new me that I know I can be proud of…eventually. I am still working towards that. I’ve accepted that I was living a lie to myself and that wasn’t fair to myself or the people that I surrounded myself with. I was fake.
This was an experience that I needed to do. I am human, we make mistakes. I believe that one day I will fully forgive myself. I know it’ll take some time still. I hope that the people that I hurt will forgive me also.
I'm sorry to the one I will always love.